An Interview With Herman Melville
By William de Rham
The following is the transcript of an interview aired on National Arts Radio.
HOST, LINCOLN STONE
Good Morning. It’s 9 30 a.m. and you’re listening to “All About Art!” on listener-supported National Arts Radio. I’m Lincoln Stone and we’re here today with world-famous author Herman Melville to talk about his life and works, most notably, the great American classic, Moby Dick. Good Morning, Mr. Melville.
HERMAN MELVILLE
Where’s my five-hundred?
MR. STONE
I beg your pardon?
MR. MELVILLE
The five hundred I was promised for doing this gig.
MR. STONE
Mr. Melville, this is National Arts Radio. We don’t pay our guests.
MR. MELVILLE
You do this one.
MR. STONE
No, we don’t.
MR. MELVILLE
Oh yes indeedy-do you do. So either flash with the cash, or I’m outta here.
MR. STONE
But Mr. Melville, this is for the sake of the arts!
MR. MELVILLE
Arts, schmartz! Gotta eat, don’t I!
MR. STONE
But you’re Herman Melville. Your books have sold millions.
MR. MELVILLE
Yeah! And how much of that do you think I see? Freakin’ agent! Wife’s second cousin. Well, that’s what happens when you hire family.
MR. STONE
Screwed you, did he?
MR. MELVILLE
Like Bubba in the shower at Sing Sing.
MR. STONE
That’s a shame. But while we have you here, won’t you at least tell us: the idea for Moby Dick, with its themes of man versus nature, good versus evil, and the relentless pursuit of vengeance—what was the impetus for all that? And however did you come up with the idea—the symbol, if you will—of the Great White Whale?
MR. MELVILLE
Shamu.
MR. STONE
Come again?
MR. MELVILLE
Shamu? The orca? The killer whale? They had him booked into Sea World on a five-year deal. Then they dropped his option. Went out and hired a younger guy for less dough. Talk about getting screwed! And this was back when he was really big. But you know how fickle this business is. One day you’re dodging paparazzi; the next you can’t get work selling tuna to a cat.
MR. STONE
Yeah, I know how that can be. Took me years just to get this half-hour spot …
MR. MELVILLE
You want me to interview you now?
MR. STONE
Sorry.
MR. MELVILLE
Anyways, I had this outline. Love story about an Indian and a Pilgrim girl. Couldn’t get anyone to read it, much less talk about financing. Shamu was script doctoring, you know, to make ends meet. My agent puts the two of us together. Shammy reads the thing and says, “Lose the girl, give the Indian a harpoon, throw in a whale, and you’ll be made in the shade.” So, that’s what we did.
MR. STONE
We?
MR. MELVILLE
Yeah, me and Shamu.
MR. STONE
You’re telling us that Shamu helped write Moby Dick?
MR. MELVILLE
Yup.
MR. STONE
So … how did that work?
MR. MELVILLE
Badly.
MR. STONE
I can imagine.
MR. MELVILLE
We got the treatment together. Then the script. I was gonna play Ahab. Shammy was gonna do the whale, of course. So there we are one day, testing wardrobe and makeup, and the director, this John Huston guy says “I’m not happy with the whale’s color. I just don’t think black and white sends the right message. Shamu? How would you feel about doing this in white face?” Well, all hell broke loose. The whale said no. Huston got pissy. I said “If he goes, I go!” and all of a sudden we’re out on our tails and they’ve got this guy Peck working with a mechanical whale.
MR. STONE
I don’t understand. You’re saying the movie came before the book?
MR. MELVILLE
Oh yeah. They had a ghost writer sit down with the rough cut and bang it out in a couple of days.
MR. STONE
You don’t say.
MR. MELVILLE
If I’m lyin’, I’m dyin’. Of course, it shows. Sucker’s way too long!
MR. STONE
Really? What would you cut?
MR. MELVILLE
All that stuff on land … and on the boat …
MR. STONE
I think they call it a ship.
MR. MELVILLE
Whatever. Can all that life-at-sea crap, and that whole Indian-waits-for-death thing. I mean, what a downer! Stick to the harpooning, and the sinking. That’s all anybody cares about, especially since there’s no sex. Although, with all those guys . . .
MR. STONE
SO! What’s next? Still working?
MR. MELVILLE
You kidding? With how I got screwed? Like I said, a guy’s gotta eat! And it’s so unfair.
MR. STONE
What is?
MR. MELVILLE
Well, everyone else made out, everyone except me and Shammy. Peck got to do Hemingway. Huston went off and worked with Bogey and Bacall, not to mention Nicholson and Dunaway. And the guy who played Starbuck? We all know what happened with him! Mocha half-caff double latte, my ass—
MR. STONE
SO! Your next project?
MR. MELVILLE
Well … I got a call from Jack Black last night. You know, the actor? Wants to put me in a room with some gorilla and see what we come up with. I’m not much looking forward to it. But, you never know. Could be a living. Still, I’ll need that five hundred to tide me over.
MR. STONE
Well, now … ha, ha … as I said, we don’t pay our guests, this being for the arts and—
(there is the sound of a door opening)
MR. MELVILLE
Oh my gracious, look who’s here! My old friend, Queequeg! And looking every bit as fit as Governor Schwarzenegger himself, when he was in the movies. Come sit yourself down, Queequeg. Oh, you can keep that harpoon with you. I’m sure Mr. Stone won’t mind. Now Mr. Stone, what were we saying?
(there is a silence, and then)
MR. STONE
Would somebody please bring this man his cash? Please?
END
Originally published in The Binnacle, Fall 2007 (The University of Maine at Machias) and The Cynic Online, Vol. 10 Issue 7, July 2008